Kei Ursa

[KEI URSA]

SHIFTER FORM

[atrb=style, width: 0px;]	[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true][atrb=style, width: 100px; -moz-box-shadow: -1px 0px 1px #888; -moz-border-radius: 5px 5px 0px 0px; -webkit-box-shadow: -1px 0px 1px #888; -webkit-border-radius: 5px 5px 0px 0px;] confidential	[atrb=style, width: 400px;]
[cs=3][atrb=style, width: 500px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-top: 0px, bTable][atrb=style,background: #8d8974; border: 1px solid #372d22a; padding: 10px; font-family: Helvetica; -moz-box-shadow: -1px 1px 1px #888; -webkit-box-shadow: -1px 1px 1px #888] URSA, KEI, P FULL NAME; Kei Ursa ALIAS; N/A AGE; 24 GENDER; Male ORIENTATION; Straight CLASS; Solidus SHIFT SPECIES; Asian Black Bear (Or Moon Bear) BIRTH DATE; 12th September 2055 GENETICS EYES; Black HAIR; Brown WEIGHT; 147lbs HEIGHT; 5’11” VOICE; A typical baritone voice FACE CLAIM; Toshiki Kai : Cardfight! Vanguard DESCRIPTION; Kei seems fairly 'average'. He is 5'11", which people call 'average', and weighs 147lbs, which scientists too have deemed 'average'. His hair is a light brown colour and isn't styled much, it just sweeps to the left naturally. His eyes are a black colour, so it seems he has no iris at all, which he believes is due to his animal counterpart. He wears faded black jeans and a red or white t-shirt under a black hoodie, but only if it's cold otherwise he wears no hoodie. He also wears black converse trainers and a simple black digital watch. PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION LIKES; Most vegitation, sleeping, being happy, meeting new people. DISLIKES; Fire, people who are predjudice, the dark, being called his official name. STRENGTHS; Good connections with SHIFT, very persuasive, can run for a long distance. WEAKNESSES; People see him as a monster when he shifts, becomes very sleepy and lazy around winter. QUIRKS; Sleeps longer in winter, eats just enough to keep a constant weight. FEARS; The dark, being found out about being a shifter, being found out about working for SHIFT GOALS; To establish a fulfilling career, to be accepted for his true self (a shifter) rather than lies. PERSONALITY; Kei is the kind of guy everyone wants a a party. He is fun, charismatic and generally kind (as in he will go out of his way to help somebody) He is afraid of the dark, an irrational fear which has plagued him since being created, and is afraid of, and hates, fire because of it's destructive nature. Because of this hatred of fire he becomes angry whenever he hears of forest fires on the news. He works for SHIFT against his will but because of the nature of the job, and his wish to have nothing to do with them, he keeps it a secret. This means that when he is in a relationship or a lasting friendship their is always the barrier of the secret. CHRONOLOGICAL TIMELINE CURRENT RESIDENCE;Apartments CURRENT OCCUPATION; Public Liaison : SHIFT HISTORY; Kei was created and the first words he heard was 'Another successful experiment'. He was placed into a room with three other experiments shortly after this and was barely aware of them. After a few weeks of being in the room Kei became aware of a strange sensation and he first transformed a day after realizing it. The other experiments, who were all amicus', began to cry and their animal counterparts attack Kei because of this. Even though Kei was a gentle baby he managed to fend off most attacks from a tiger cub, a rabbit and a venomous snake. However one of the snakes attacks cause Kei to become seriously ill and he was moved out of the room. After a month Kei was healed but was kept in a room alone for two years. At the age of three he seemed to be 'coping' well but the truth was he was more preoccupied with his transformations and managed to be able to trigger them a week after his creation day. At four he was moved into a room with another Solidus and they became good friends. But when he realized he was no longer unique in his transformations he stopped himself from transforming ever again. After release he was fostered into a rich family and was given much more luxuries than before, even though he preferred to keep things simplistic (which explains his attire). He was treated ok in school and managed to get through it until he was 18 with nobody bullying him. After leaving at 18 he was approached by SHIFT and they pretty much said, "Work for us or we kill your family," and that began their relationship. Since then he has been trying to change public opinion of SHIFT, though he isn't trying hard, and attends the university studying computer science.

QUOTE TO APPLY WITH THE SHIFTER FORM CODE

[POE ✰ IVORY]

KEI URSA, CORPORATION

name: kei would not have been given a number designation as a name. all experiments would have likely had them just for filing purposes, but they were also given real names to go by, not numbers. there isn't really any need for exceptions.

description: define "average". go into detail. describe his body type, hairstyle, eye color, whatever. does he have big feet? are his clothes name-brand? are his jeans worn or faded, or is he always in tip-top shape? Why does he seem to prefer dressing like a slob if he comes from a rich family? does he wear shoes? Be descriptive. A couple of sentences isn't going to cut it.

continuity: you says that he fears being found out as a shifter, and yet also describe one of weaknesses as people viewing him as a monster when he shifts. If he doesn't want to be found out, why would he shift his form in front of others? You also say he didn't betray to anyone outside his family that he shifts, but it's previously stated that he doesn't reveal to girls he shifts "right away", implying that he eventually would. So which is it?

personality: again. be descriptive. why does he fear fire and the dark? how does he get along with others? is it because he's charismatic, or is he just kind? I gleaned almost no insight into his personality by reading it. Also, you say one of his goals is to be "accepted by society" and yet you also state that he connects easily with people. So how he is currently being rejected by society is beyond me.

history: it has been stated time and time again the the Corporation scientists were not cruel to the experiments - they would have wanted them to survive and flourish, not go out of their way to torment them. Kei would not have just been tossed into a dark room by himself for two years and fed only meat. There's no reason for that. Also, assuming he was kept in a dark room, his eyes probably wouldn't have developed well - his introduction to the light wouldn't have just been something to grow used to - he would have very poor eyesight. Quoted from The Eye Clinic: "During the first two years of life, the optic nerve, visual function and internal eye structures continue to develop." Viola, poor vision. And that's assuming he has any reason to be in the dark room to begin with.

What is the purpose of his two friends? Why did one of them become bitter and angry? What became of the other one? Why was he moved from that room into another? Why was he never socialized with other experiments? The experiments weren't just dumped off in some room for years on end - they all went through various tests to make sure they could socialize properly. Also, if he spent his youth alone/in the company of the same two people, how does that set the stage for being good at meeting new people? One would think he'd be practically introverted at this point.

Why did he wait so long to rename himself? If he didn't give himself a new name until his late teens, what did his foster family call him? "Experiment"? Not likely. And why "Kei Ursa"? What's the significance? Or is it totally random?

Why is it that he couldn't refuse the job pushed on him by the SHIFT Corporation? How did they "guilt" him into working for them? What is his contract? Why would they force him to be a liaison officer, of all things? Come on. They just guilted him into taking a job he didn't want, and so they're going to put him in charge of making their company look good? That makes no sense at all. And how does he figure that they only way out of it is saving a corporation member's life? Magic 8-ball? It's probably not something found in your everyday handbook.


There are also several typos throughout the entire thing, so if you'd take care to look over your bio before posting it, it'd be appreciated. After these revisions are made, you may submit your character for review once again.

[KEI URSA]

Edit Bump

[POE ✰ IVORY]

KEI URSA, CORPORATION

critique:

As an overall comment, I'd just like to recommended looking at an accepted character's bio and using that as an example for your own. JACK AUGUSTINE'S bio is reasonably elaborate in all sections, if you'd like to use his as a reference (though, naturally, don't copy his character). Taking words from my critique and spinning them into your bio won't cut it.

Your description covers the basics, but isn't as elaborate as we would like (keep in mind that this is an intermediate/advanced rpg). Your personality is barely passable. For how to expand on it, I'd recommend again taking a look at Jack's bio. Two-sentence paragraphs aren't exactly descriptive.

His history, again, is very flawed. A newborn baby wouldn't be left alone in a room to fend for itself by any means, shifter or not. Even if he was, he wouldn't be able to fight off other animals who were in with him. This being unrealistic as it is, it also applies to the following paragraphs that describe his time in the labs. Him being threatened by the corporation just seems unlikely in itself - it is stated that they are still lying low and out of the big picture. They have plenty of civilians to work for them without threatening a former experiment into their ranks. And even if there was plausible explanation for him to be there against his will, as I previously stated, him being their public liaison makes no sense at all. He doesn't want to be there. He hates his job. He hates the corporation. They're not going to make him into a liaison officer. What they'd do with someone who doesn't want to be there, in fact, I have no idea. They have no reason to threaten people into working for them.

Again, the biography is filled with typos and various other grammatical errors. In addition to making these revisions, please clean those up as well. Biographies aren't things that are typically finished within an hour - they require a lot of thought and work. It's not always the easiest thing, but for a well thought-out character, it is necessary.